Don’t Let Sex Ruin Your Life - Revisited 2010

Note: This is an update to a column I wrote for the Texas A&M University student newspaper, The Battalion, originally published Thursday, April 9, 1987 on the inside front page. It seemed like the only day the students actually read the editorials. It's been over 23 years since I wrote the original; I'd been living with HIV for six months by then. With thirty years of AIDS rapidly approaching, the message hasn't changed much, just perspective.




Good. Now that I have your attention, it's time to talk about a very grave matter – quite literally. By now you have all heard of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, or AIDS. You know basically what it is, what it does and how it is spread. But do you know how to avoid it?

You may be saying, "What, me worry? I'm not gay, and I don't use needles, so I won't get it." Wrong. A common misconception is that you must be in a high-risk group to get AIDS. While the gay community was the first and hardest hit in America, it is not and never was a “gay disease.”

If you are having sex, regardless of who you are with, you are in a high-risk group. It's as simple as that. While gay men are no longer the fastest-growing group of new HIV infections, it doesn’t mean our community isn’t still hurting.

Gay youth are a rapidly increasing category. This is due mainly to lack of education about having "safe sex." Primarily, if there is sexual health education in the public schools, it’s limited to abstinence before marriage - meaning heterosexual marriage, of course.

AIDS is caused by the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), which is spread through the exchange of body fluids such as blood, semen, vaginal secretions and breast milk. Non-infectious fluids are saliva, tears, sweat, urine and feces. And no, despite what you may have heard from Donny Darko, feces are not baby mice.



HIV does not discriminate about who it infects. It doesn’t care about your sex, age, sexual orientation or shoe size. You are at risk unless you follow safe sex practices. This primarily means you should USE A CONDOM. No, Dr. Ruth hasn't taken over this column. If you aren't going to follow Reagan's advice (as mimicked by George W. Bush) – complete abstinence from sex – then a condom is necessary equipment.

"Why?" you ask. Remember Mom's wise words, "Don't touch that, you don't know where it's been." Can you be certain that whoever you're in bed with is healthy? Sure, he said you were his first as he threw the feather boa on the bed. Or maybe he told you that he's been saving himself for just the right man. You can trust them, can't you?

NO. Absolutely not. It has been said that nowadays when you take someone to bed, you're also sleeping with everyone they've had sex with. Ever. And vice versa. How can you be sure that you haven't been exposed already?

Many places in Texas perform blood or oral swab tests for the HIV antibody. This is not a test for HIV or AIDS. It can only detect the presence of antibodies that indicate infection from the virus sometime in the past. You need to be aware that it can take six weeks to six months for those antibodies to develop. If you may have been exposed, it’s not going to show up the next day. Testing negative doesn’t mean you definitively are, unless it’s been at least six weeks since your last sexual contact.

Of course a positive result does not mean you have or will contract AIDS. In fact, with early detection and treatment, you can live for a long time without ever developing AIDS-related symptoms. The darkest days of this storm are behind us –people are living much longer – but complacency and poor prevention education may herald the thundering return as infection rates continue to rise unabated.

To find a testing location near you, just go to http://www.hivtest.org/ and enter the zip code. There may be others (listed under LABORATORIES, MEDICAL in the phone book), but I’d recommend using those listed online.

The question now is, how do you talk to a potential sex partner about practicing safe sex? What if it scares them away? Or if they tell you not to worry about it, what should you do? First, you should ask yourself, "is sleeping with him really worth dying?" If your answer is "yes," you had better start digging. This isn’t Romeo and Julio.

The best way to handle the situation is to simply express your concern about HIV/AIDS, and discuss the ways to decrease your chances of contracting it, i.e., safe sex. Remember, both of you must follow the safe sex guidelines if they are to do any good. Don't let your partner convince you not to bother "just this once." This is your health they are risking, and possibly even their own.

Many people believe that talking about AIDS or using a condom takes the romance out of love-making. Yes, perhaps it does a little, but how romantic is the tale of the man who killed his partner with his love? Actually, safe sex need not detract from the romance. The general rule is to use your imagination, as long as you keep your fluids to yourself. I know, mommy always told you to share, but there are limits after you reach puberty. Sorry. We can’t be children forever. Well, maybe Michael Jackson can…

Just what is safe? Basically, there are four categories of safety. "Safe" sex includes dry kissing, mutual masturbation, oral sex with a condom, massage and fantasy. Vaginal and anal intercourse with a condom are "possibly safe." Sorry about dropping the V-bomb, boys, but there may be bisexual men reading this. Stop clutching the pearls and read on.

Those practices classed as "risky" include oral sex without a condom (aka barebacking), cunnilingus, and use of drugs or alcohol. Drugs and alcohol decrease judgement ability and also lower your immune system defenses. Unprotected vaginal or anal sex, intravenous drugs, sharing needles and rimming are considered "dangerous" and should be avoided.

Some numbers you can call for more information on AIDS and safe sex are:

• CDC National AIDS Hotline (Recording) 800-342-AIDS


• National AIDS Hotline (Live Operators): 800-447-AIDS

Despite the occasional jokes, this is a serious subject. You should not only learn safe sex, but use it. You may think, "I can't change my habits." You can, and you had better. All it takes is one night to ruin the rest of your life. Protect yourself – and the one you're with. Play it safe and live.

If you do test positive, don’t panic. There are many resources for counseling, support (individual or groups), medical assistance and more. The testing sites should be able to provide you with information for your region. You aren’t alone. Don’t isolate yourself from those who are there to help.



Remember, there is still no cure. No “morning-after” pill. But think on this: I’ve been living with HIV since September 1986. I was diagnosed with AIDS in November 1999. I’ve never been sick from this disease in twenty-four years of being positive. Nobody can give you hope, because that’s something we have to search for within ourselves. Perhaps my advice may help you find what you are needing.

Thirty Years

As the chair of the HIV Speakers Bureau, I tell people that we are going “old school” by having speakers living openly with HIV tell their stories. In using that term I am referring to those in the early days of this disease who spoke to Congress (such as Michael Callen, Roger Lyon and Anthony Ferrara in 1983/1984) or at public schools (Pedro Zamara 1990-1993). Pedro also lived out his life as an openly-positive gay man on MTV’s The Real World San Francisco in 1993-94.

These people knew that until one faces this issue head-on, with honesty and without deceit, the stigma will continue to grow and with it fear and ignorance.

But as I thought of the way things were, a new realization came to me.

The first medical cases which would ultimately be the first indicators of AIDS in America were identified in May/June of 1981. I was fifteen years old at the time, just finished with my sophomore year of high school. Next year will be thirty years of AIDS.

It’s actually many more years, as the understanding that there could be a very long incubation period before major symptoms appeared, but also discoveries of stored blood samples from 1959. But 1981 was when the world first became aware of this disease.

Some thoughts on how far things haven’t come in thirty years…

Thirty years… and there is still no cure.
Thirty years… and there’s no viable vaccine.
Thirty years… and there are still people who believe AIDS is a gay disease.
Thirty years… and the stigma born alongside AIDS lingers on.
Thirty years… and there’s only one generic form of an HIV medication.
Thirty years… and the meds can still cause dangerous side effect.
Thirty years… and the rate of infection is climbing again, especially among youth, more especially among gay youth.
Thirty years… and there are no regular HIV+ characters on television.
Thirty years… and the red ribbons have disappeared from awards shows.
Thirty years… and people are still dying from AIDS - even in America.
Thirty years… and the cost of medication has not gone down.
Thirty years… and there hasn’t been one apology for not doing enough in the early years.
Thirty years… and some politicians still believe people with HIV/AIDS should be quarantined.
Thirty years… and the names of those who first spoke out about this disease have been lost to the winds.
Thirty years… and funding for research has not advanced.
Thirty years… and the money for support services has not kept up with the need.
Thirty years… and the churches are still preaching abstinence and ignoring protection, despite all research proving that abstinence programs are a failure.
Thirty years… and the churches have not apologized for turning their backs on those in need.
Thirty years… and those of us living with HIV have no voice, no say, no control.
Thirty years… and the blame game and finger pointing continues.
Thirty years… and we still don’t know how it all began.
Thirty years… and the only real winners are the pharmaceutical companies, profiteering off this illness…

There are more items which should be on this list. It’s just too heartbreaking to think of them all right now. As somebody who witnessed AIDS from the beginning, and contracted HIV five years into this now-pandemic, I’ve seen all the above and more.

How I hope that next year, the list hasn’t grown longer. How I wish that in thirty more years, AIDS and HIV are things of the past. This disease hasn’t taken me after nearly twenty-four years. I won’t die of AIDS, but I just might die of frustration as I count off the years behind.