Letter to Keith, October 11, 1986

The following is a letter that I wrote to Keith ending our month-long relationship. For years I wondered why Keith had come to my door in his hour of desperate need, despite the angry and hate-filled poem I'd written to him on November 1, 1986. In 2004 I found a printout of this letter in my things, and cried upon reading the fifth paragraph.

Without realizing it, I kept my promise to him. I was there for him in February 1987 when everybody else turned him away.

One irony is the date. One year after this was written, the first National Coming Out Day would happen.

Dave

11 October 1986

Dear Keith,

I write this because I don't know how to say it. As with many things I have done the past month, this is new to me. So much has happened in these four short weeks, and I can't keep up with it all anymore. I'm starting to fall, but there is no one to catch me.

It is not your fault, it is mine. I want to be close to you, but I fear that I have not the capacity. Every time I try it seems we drift further away. Perhaps I have seemed too possessive, but I could not help it. You were all I had, and I didn't want to lose you. I still don't, but I must let you go your own way before we hurt each other too deeply. I did not want to leave you without explaining how I felt. I think I love you--I can't be sure because I never felt love before--and would never willingly hurt you.

You have given me much that I could never repay. You helped to free me from myself, from the chains I had created--not to keep me in, but to keep the world out. I thank you for that, and will never forget it.

It may be that I am wrong, but I feel there never was "us", just "you" and "me". Perhaps we were not meant to be. If not, I hope you find the right person to give you what you need. It may be that we will find each other again, after our hearts have been broken in search of love. I shall keep that thought with me in my heart, and look for you when I despair.

I want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to lean on, I will listen, and comfort you. You know where to find me, or call anytime. I am always here for you. Always.

I better stop here, before I short out the computer. Again, I'm sorry if this brings you pain, but I must do it to ease my own conscience. I will no longer try to keep you here if you do not wish to stay with me.

Con molto amore,

Dave

Breathless

This is a poem I wrote on October 10, 1986. It was mainly for myself, about a hard decision I had made - to end my month-long relationship with Keith. His life outside of sleeping and work was at the only gay bar in town. I wanted to live my life as a gay man outside of the closet; he seemed content to stay inside.

Breathless

To catch a gentle wind,
Breath of the Earth;
To feel the soft wet kiss
Of sweet rain on lips,
For even a brief part
Of the shortest eternity
Is as divinely impossible
As touching the fiery heart
Of the most distant star.

But I have done this.

And perhaps again,
In a different world,
I will do so once more.

And yet will I release the breeze
When my heart dares not continue
To bind the dying wind.

For happy am I in heart and soul
To have caught the wind,
And happier yet
That I could return its freedom.