Dawn of Darkness

It was 1981. July. The first indications of what was to come began to appear. Eight young gay men had died, all exhibiting signs of having a malignant form of a cancer previously only seen in very old Italian men. The lesions were due to Kaposi Sarcoma. There was also a drastic increase in cases of the rare Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia (PCP) in both California and New York.

This was the dawn of AIDS. But unlike the rising of the sun, this signaled a darkness that still hangs over this nation and the world like a heavy cloak. Death’s black cape.

I remember I was on summer break during High School when the first reports began to trickle in. There was no information, but they were all certain that this was a gay cancer. Nobody else need worry. As a young man still questioning his sexuality - though knowing in my heart the answer full well - this news terrified me. I had no idea that the proverbial shit was about to hit the fan.

The news erupted from every pulpit like a volcano. Ignorance fueled fear, fear begat anger, arrogance begat condemnation and damnation. Anger became hatred became verbal and physical attacks on the entire gay community. Religion had found it's holy sword and would help God wipe every faggot off the face of the earth with glee.

Vesuvius could not have destroyed as many lives as the Christians did. They didn't turn the other cheek - they turned their backs. They did not show the compassion of Christ, they drove us out like lepers on the streets of Nazareth. Not a one called for reason to prevail, or for hearts to open up to those who were suffering.

They made a bad situation much worse.

Gays were hunted down like wolves, blamed for all that was wrong in America. This disease was "God's punishment" for the sins against nature, a statement affirmed by then-President Ronald Reagan. Thank you, Bonzo, for your rational assessment of a health crisis. People were dying and there was celebrations in the churches, pleased with what was happening to the 'homosexuals.'

Even though I didn't yet identify as gay, I saw no rational way that a cancer could target gay men unless being gay was genetic. What an outrageous contradiction for those who believe any disease could attach to a select group to turn around and say gay people "choose" the lifestyle. I knew in my heart that one day the proof would appear. It would begin to show up in the non-gays, too. Then the hate would disappear and compassion would return.

I thought too soon. In 1982, after "gay cancer" and "gay plague" segued to GRID and then AIDS, a classmate of mine came to school wearing a t-shirt dripping with hate. The image burned itself into my memories so deeply that I have forgotten the face of the guy who wore it. Emblazoned on the front was a log reminiscent of the old RAID bug spray. Only it didn't say RAID, it read AIDS. And the catchy slogan was replaced with one far more repulsive: "Kills fags dead!"

I felt like the roaches running away from the can in the commercials. But I couldn't run. I couldn't speak. I just stood there, closing my eyes wishing it would all go away. But while the shirt was gone when I reopened my eyes, the trail of laughter that followed it still rang in my ears. That people found the shirt amusing was as abhorrent as the shirt itself. That the school administrators didn't send the boy home with a suspension or even expulsion is beyond belief.

More people were dying, 'experts' were talking, but still no real facts. The only thing one could be sure of was that nothing was sure. Fear that close contact, drinking from the same glass, kissing - even sitting on a toilet seat or breathing the same air - could pass this disease on to another person continued to rise. People became afraid to touch because they might catch whatever this thing was. And touch is the most important thing to a person who is suffering from an unknown and untreatable ailment.

If the world sat in fear, how much more afraid were those who faced certain death? Or knew they would have to face it alone?

The silence was deafening. The roar of the mob mentality even more so.